


Hellmouth Petting Zoo

by isabeau, Miriam (isabeau)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Humor, Really old fic (pre-2000)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-01
Updated: 2000-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-18 07:26:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/186421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isabeau/pseuds/isabeau, https://archiveofourown.org/users/isabeau/pseuds/Miriam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An irrelevant, pointless, sillyfic about the nature of beasts in Sunnydale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hellmouth Petting Zoo

**Author's Note:**

> The title, and one reference in the fic, comes from "Dead Man's Party" (S3), but there isn't really much of a spoiler. There're a fair number of in-jokes; most of them are from episodes. If you don't get 'em all, don't worry.

_//Hello, and welcome to the Hellmouth Petting Zoo. The park is  
open 8-6, nightly and daily. Admission is $4; yearly passes are $36.  
Tours are every hour at fifteen minutes past; the next tour is in  
three minutes. Assemble at the main gate. *beep* Hello, and welcome  
to the Hellmouth Petting Zoo. The park is open 8-6, nightly and  
daily...//_

Hi, my name is Quincy, and I'll be your tour guide. Please do not  
take photos of the animals; it startles them. Please do not feed the  
animals. Please refrain from biting, eating, killing, or otherwise  
attacking either animals or park visitors. Witchcraft is not  
permitted within park grounds. We'll be starting with the snake and  
insect house. If you will please come this way...

Thank you. [Could you two in the front please step aside so the  
little demon in back can see? --Please calm down, ma'am, I was not  
making a value judgement on your son, merely a species judgement.]

Here we have the Greater North American Hellmouthian Wasp. Notice  
that they are larger than standard wasps. [Sir, if you wouldn't mind,  
we prefer to keep our exhibits uneaten. Yes. Thank you.] Hold out  
your hand, flat, like so-- the wasps will land. Try not to startle  
them, please. Feel free to stroke them though, gently. They will not  
sting. Much.

Continuing counterclockwise around the room, we come to the next main  
exhibit-- the mantis exhibit. These are the juveniles-- the eggs were  
laid two years ago in a high school classroom cabinet, and the young  
have not had time to fully mature. Once they reach maturity, they  
will seek mates in an attempt to breed; at that time, they will be  
removed from the exhibit. However, for now, they are safe. If at any  
time you feel threatened, the red button on the wall plays bat sonar.  
This is for emergencies *only*; violators will be fined.

Next we have _/insectus snyderus/_. This insect is unique in its  
size, equivalent to a full-grown adult male emu. Standard habitat  
involves burying its head as deeply as possible in a preferably-human  
posterior. There are rumors that the mate of our current specimen is  
embedded in a host on the school board, but again, those are just  
rumors.

Lastly, we have a creature known informally as bug guy. Bug guy,  
please reform your hand? Thank you. As you can see, he is composed  
of a species of maggot. If you touch him-- don't be shy-- he feels  
normal. This is a psychic illusion.

As we leave, please make sure there are no wasps, maggots, or other  
creatures on your body, clothes, or hair. Feel free to come back to  
any of these exhibits after the tour is over.

The next house is predators; be aware that if you annoy these, they  
may bite. The park management takes no responsibility in that  
situation.

First we have the hyenas. We recommend for your safety that you do  
not look them directly in the eyes. If you notice anyone's eyes  
flashing green, please bring them to the attention of a park employee.  
[Sir, please refrain from trying to drink the blood of other park  
visitors. It upsets the hyenas. I'm quite serious. Thank you.]

The next creature is names Sunshine...feel free to pet, rub the tummy,  
any usual dog stuff. Just do not pick her up and cuddle her; she goes  
for the throat. We have reason to believe she belonged to a vampire,  
who then was either killed or had to leave town. As a result, she has  
some vampiric tendencies.

Yes, these are wolfies; thank you for that clarification. [How old  
are you? Four? Oh, five? You're very smart for your age.] You'll  
be glad to know that you've come on one of the best nights possible--  
when the werewolves are actually wolves. Note the similarities  
between the werewolves, in this cage, and the North American Big Gay  
Possums, in the next. Don't be alarmed by the muzzles; those are  
there for your safety.

Last, we have our newest resident, known as Patches. [Sir, please do  
not try to *eat* Patches, thank you. No, he's technically not alive,  
but technically, neither are you.] We have yet to determine what  
breed of cat he is, other than zombie.

All right, let's move on to the next house, shall we?

This building houses the non-predators, so they are theoretically the  
safest to pet. The first exhibit I would like to point out is  
actually hanging from the ceiling, if you would please look up...this  
is our resident dead bird. We aren't sure where it came from, but if  
you give it a seed it might sing for you.

These are Mojo, Jojo, and Tiki, our three monkey siblings. They claim  
to be trying to take over the world. We aren't quite sure where they  
got the pants, or the hats...or where they learned to speak French.  
 _/Vous etes des singes droles, oui.../_

Next we have the goats; these don't talk, so we aren't sure what their  
plot to take over the world is. There are rumors that it has  
something to do with a television show, but I wouldn't put too much  
stock in rumors.

Lastly, we have this aquarium, with a species of fish found in almost  
every ocean and lake in the world. These are commonly known as red  
herrings.

...actually, there's nothing there. Hehe. Made you look...

Ahem. Anyway. This concludes our tour; feel free to stay. The  
Petting Zoo closes at 6am. Enjoy. If you have any questions, there  
are guide booths scattered among the zoo. If there doesn't seem to be  
someone in the guide booth, ask anyway; some of our employees are  
invisible. Or, if you prefer, Transparent-Americans.

 _//Thank you for visiting the Hellmouth Petting Zoo. Please come  
again.//_


End file.
